My third regret: I let love sting me.
I would suppose that finding out that the man that you love loves someone else would hurt anyone.
But I feel as though I don’t have the right to feel that way.
You see, I have this philosophy that I like to go by and that it goes like this:
“If you are unwilling to put yourself at risk for things that you want, then you must let it go and keep it moving.”
In my case, I was unwilling to say “I love you more than just a friend”, so I should have kept it moving when I found out he was gone with his model chick from his landlord.
But on this beautiful day, I see that I am still hurting.
I feel that I am still hurting.
Am I strange because it seems as though I can’t stay true to myself?
Or is it that I was strange from the beginning?
I don’t know what the answer is but I thank God that I have this busy life to distract me from my problems.
As a matter of fact, my phone has been ringing off the hook since I have been here. It’s the office. Rather than answering the phone I opted to ignore the call. A missed call can’t hurt anybody, right? I already missed several phone calls from them so they can wait a bit longer. I don’t want you to misconstrue what I am saying and think that my actions are contradicting what I just said about my busy lifestyle but I hate this depressing feeling that festers inside my heart. It’s just that I think sometimes, one has to feel the hurt to be motivated to do something about it. Also, the way I am right now I can not work. So I don’t plan on calling them back anytime soon until I feel a bit better. As matter of fact, I don’t when I will be feeling better so not going back today. Plus, it’s not like I could get fired from my momma’s business. This is the first time I have ever acted so irresponsibly, so they will have to forgive me.
“But on the other hand, it’s so weird for them to call me so many times and to not bother leaving a message. They know it’s like my biggest pet peeve to call and not leave a message. Maybe I should call back…. ”
“Ahh! I forgot buy a soda like a dolt! That sandwich made me unbelievably thirsty. What kind of tuna is this?”. *SIGH* “I guess i’m gonna have to get up and walk to the vending machines by the restrooms 😦 ”
*reminder: Stop losing yourself in your thoughts while on a “lunch break”!*
” YAYYYYY! 🙂 the vendy has my favorite soda, Dr.Pepper.”
When I got to the vending machine, and punched in the code for my sweet Dr.Pepper, a wave of deja vu hits me hard.The deja vu brought me back to the night when dude took me to his spot for the first time. Why? Because that night he went to get me a soda (Dr. Pep) before he had told me about his love. *Maybe that’s why I haven’t touched the good for a while?*
I also remember that while he was away, I saw some ducks twaddling towards me underneath the moonlight. Like I said before: I thought he was going to bring me good news. I was so excited to be at his secret place and anxious to hear the good news he was gonna tell me so I went over to the ducks to have a chat. I just knelt down and started the conversation.
I bet they thought I had some food and that’s why they had stopped.
“Hey ducks! It’s your girl. I bet you’re wondering ‘why is she so happy right now?’ right? Usually I would say ‘mind your business’ but I think that tonight is the night I’m going to tell him I love him. I’m so happy that my face must be the most foolish one you have seen… by far” I lightly chuckled to myself.
“I bet you see me blushing.”
“I think that my best friend is going to tell me something like “Girl, I love you. I’m gonna dump that two-faced girl and get with you.” Then I laughed with the ducks, “wouldn’t it be unbelievable?! But I think the convo is definitely about something involving us… oh no duck, not you and me but me and him” lol
“I don’t know what this is all about but I can’t wait! Ohhh! and I can’t stop thinking about it! He’s been in a very good mood this week, treating me all nice while he’s not so great with his own girl right now. I know you don’t understand me little duckies but…could you help give me a sign little duckies. Tonight, will he see me as more than just a friend?”
Then out of no where one of the ducks jumped up at me. The sudden attack startled me so much that I was yelling while I falling on my butt. So now, I am a little scared of ducks and I can only think that they’re the worst omen anyone could get. All the emotions that I felt during that duck attack pretty much resembled the feelings that I went through that with that dude.
Oh, here’s what I forgot to tell you, it’s the icing on the cake! That night he told me that I was like a little sister to him. He also went on to say that that’s the reason why he chose me to be the first to know about his first love, “his wife”. What a disgusting thing to say.
BACK TO REALITY
Wow, I have suddenly lost my appetite. The best thing to do now is to throw away this soda and go back to the picnic table and curl up in a ball so that I can wallow in my memories. Scratch that, that picnic table was the very place where my heart was chopped into itty-bitty pieces. How about I go to that green bench by the pond so that I can lose my mind amongst those diamond-like rays reflecting off its surface.
Believe it or not I really lost my mind. I knew I would because I couldn’t see or hear anything around me…….
However, I didn’t snap back to reality until I realized that a man’s presence was next to me and he was talking….and his voice was so familiar… it kind of sounded like………